What comics do to annoy me
 
And since I'm going to be using illustrated examples of what I'm talking about, I want to make it clear that all X-Men, etc., are copyright Marvel Characters Inc., and regarded with a sort of exasperated affection by the author of this piece. I'm using them for the purpose of this article to explain a few points because they really run the gamut of pulp comics. Anything that is done, is done in the X-Universe.
 

1. Plot Exposition
 
 
I don't know about you, but I abhor being talked down to. I realize that in X-Men, when everyone has wacky powers, you do have to devote some time (and horrible dialogue) to why a certain attack has failed to kill you, but there is a certain point where the line can be drawn. Every nuance of the story does not have to spelled out for your audience. Case in point- Generation X #34. This little expository panel comes along to make the set-up ABSOLUTELY CLEAR two pages after anyone with half a brain worked the matter out for themselves. Panels are too precious to be wasted like this!
 
At some point, boys, you have to realize that you can't control the audience's reaction to or their comprehension of the action, and the less you try to, the more you respect your audience, the more you respect that the conclusions they draw, whatever those may be are just as (if not more) valid as author's intent. Hey, those people writing novels and putting together movies know this; you oversimplify and you bore your audience. I'd rather be confused than be bored. It took me three months and a late night insomnia bout to finally work out a riddle in one of Alan Moore's titles, and at the moment I'm practically hanging on the man's every word. Understanding or not, I'm still buying his books every month.
 
Another thing that bothers me, speaking of exposition, is the:
 

2. Layout.
 
 
Implied, subtle exchanges are more effective than long, rambling things like this monster from Wolverine #128. And what is the point of the artwork when it's choked with words, anyway? And what is the point when silent men of action prance around like Hamlet weighing their feelings?
 
The words aren't supposed to carry the weight of the emotional impact. The artwork should do that, emphasized by the action, underlined by the words. Here, it seems like the writer doesn't trust the artist to pull it off, just like in the first example the writer doesn't trust the audience to reach the proper conclusions. So he over-balances.
 
All I can think is that if you need to cram the final page full of explanations then you are either playing the plot like it's a mystery novel, or the plot was too convoluted to begin with.
 
The fact that this is the final page is a little odd too. The last page is the most important in the book, especially in monthly titles; it contains the conflict or the resolution. It is the cliffhanger page, the page where the hero stares moodily out into the distance and thinks glum thoughts, makes an angry promise he'll regret later, or goes down under the fists or guns of the bad guy. Now, in this case, if it had been confined Wolvie finishing his cigar with a couple of words about the general state of affairs, that would have been fine. Instead he opts to explicate Sabretooth's character, his own, and Kitty Pryde's.
 
And speaking of Kitty, check her out in the picture above. Contrast that with this picture, from Wolverine #127, and you'll see Kitty's, um, proportions are a little more reasonable.
 
 

Now doesn't it seem a bit odd that in the next installment she's got straight hair, a bigger chest and has, apparently, grown a foot taller? Can we say design continuity? Also, you've probably noticed that I'm rather attached to Kitty Pryde; even though she's not really a stand-out among the X-men; she doesn't have a flashy power, a personality problem, or a shady past. She's a Jewish girl from Chicago. She may or may not be old enough to drink. She's the approachable one, the one the kids relate to. You may be in love with Gambit (god knows why) but Kitty's your best friend, or your big sister (if you have a nice big sister...) So, my point is, that she's not supposed to be the pin-up type. No one's even sure how old she is- with the weird half -compromise that the X-Men have fallen into, where the world around them changes so they can make hip-pop-culture references, but never get any older themselves.

Also, a good illustration of the "We have to explain what our powers are every two seconds" school of writing comic books.
 

 3. Your enemies
 
 I don't, I'm afraid have a picture of this, though I could come up with many of them. Many, many of them. It's just, I'm kind of tired of the whole enemy as old friend thing. I mean, become a superhero, and all of the sudden, your ex-girlfriends, ex-partners, your sisters, your step-brother, your wife, your son, your cousin, your jealous college roommate, your real mother and your adopted mother all turn into super-villains overnight. I bet Kitty Pryde wakes up in the mornings and thanks god that she's an only child.
 
 The thing with the X-Men is that it's so much more of a soap-opera than anything else. The battles are really kind of obligatory, when the real point of the book seems to be "who's dating who?" "Who was secretly replaced by a space alien?" and "who can't trust whom anymore?"
 
 Well, honestly, that's why I read it. It's a big, sprawling, fascinating mess of melodrama, violence and annoying conceits about timetravel
 
 But speaking of enemies:
 

 4. Clumsy foreshadowing
 
 
 Need I say more? (X-Men Classic #87, which means "reprinted from Uncanny X-Men #183")
 
I will add though, that I would not want to be in the passenger seat while this woman is driving. Can she really concentrate on driving and her monomaniacal pursuits at the same time? Hell, Captain Ahab had men to do the driving for him. And wouldn't Valerie there notice that Raven spends an awful lot of time smirking into thin air?
 
Well, at least they bother to foreshadow. I was at the comic shop the other day and in a discussion with the guy at the counter about (who else?) Alan Moore, when he said that the greatest thing about reading one of his comics is that you can tell the whole thing was plotted in advance; and not that the writer just cast around for a villain to pit his hero against. An element appears for a second in one issue, a little more in the next, until it takes over. Something more involved, more engaging than simple conflict/ resolution is achieved. And all I could think was, is a well crafted plot really too much to ask for? What are we settling for if it's unusual for a comic to have a real plot?
 

5. Stupid plot things

 

This one fits under "clumsy foreshadowing," but it's kind of worse than that too. What I really want you to notice here, is the footnoting. Drives me up the wall. Even when there weren't ten thousand titles featuring the same characters, they were doing this. Of course you'd have to be an archivist to keep track of the where and who's and whatevers, but it's, well, cheap. Basically, they're trying to get you to buy more comics to get the back-story and while that's, well, the point, they shouldn't have to prostitute themselves to do it. If the book is good enough, you don't have to ask. Just look at all of us suckers trying to get a hold of "Top Ten" back issues.

  
 
And I for one, resent having to buy another title to find out the beginning of the story. For example, I hate it when a story begins in "X-Men" and concludes in "Ghost Rider." The Marvel Universe is really quite incestuous- mainly because they don't have made up cities to place the action in like DC does, with Metropolis, Gotham, and Opal City.
 
And, even worse, they got Bobby Drake saying "Cheese!" as an exclamation! If that isn't travesty, what is? Ah, the comic's code; the bastion of mediocrity. I mean you don't have to swear to be mature, (well, maybe you don't) but hell, anything's better than this.
 
Which leads us nicely to:
 

6. Pete Wisdom saying "Crikey."
 
Excalibur #117
 
A generation of English (and Irish and Scottish) men can come along and write American like they were born to it, but you give an English character to an American writer and watch how quickly colloquial speech devolves into Dick Van Dyke in "Mary Poppins." I swear.
 
There must be an exception to this, but for the life of me, though I can think of a handful of writers who can do it, I can't think of any comic-writers that can.
 
But I have to admit, I'm not the most comic savvy chicklet out there.
 
These things are just a couple of panels that caught my attention, some of them, two years ago when I acquired the bulk of my collection, that have been nagging me as bad form ever since...
 
 
 
...but a lot of the time I really don't know what I'm talking about...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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